Issue Eighteen: The Victory That Never Was!
The Falls Bowling Club defence line up to face a free kick from Divis BC. Pictured are Stephen" Bites Yer Legs" Smyth, John "Nutter" Kerr and Gerry "On Me Head Son" Lee.
The Falls Bowling Club defence line up to face a free kick from Divis BC. Pictured are Stephen" Bites Yer Legs" Smyth, John "Nutter" Kerr and Gerry "On Me Head Son" Lee.
Apologies (i) – some of you may have got an earlier version of this which seemingly uploaded itself without my doing!!
Apologies (ii) – to the Midweek Team for suggesting we won the match at Ards - we in fact lost due to a collapse of my rink on the last end. So the whooping and hollering at the victory that never happened was embarrassing to say the least. The “false result” was a combination of several factors but as Captain I accept full responsibilty that the cards were not checked at the end – by both team captains. No one was hurt. Elvis is still the king, Eamon Holmes is still overweight, North Korea did not invade South Korea. I will also accept full responsibilty when my boys win the Midweek Cup and I apologise to them only – not the vultures who snigger on the periphery!! Get it outta your system – that’s why pencils have rubbers, to erase mistakes. We are still the top team in the Club and have been for the past three years.
Apologies (iii) for leading the readers of this column up the garden path and suggesting they turn up to the Deal Or No Deal Club of an afternoon - see an earlier issue. Where they should be is in the Club of a morning when the Village Elders foregather to put the world to right. Traditionally the occasional cold pizza and coffee were served, along with a liberal dose of backbiting and commentary on the 11.00am bowlists. Alas, not for the first time there was no soup. Do these denizens take to the pitch to bowl themselves? Do they eff!!! Not to be missed! Sadly due to increased security they will have to relocate from the main lounge.
I went out for my usual morning roll up ( bowls – not cigarette ) last Tuesday and was astonished that Ken the Kestrel had disappeared. Suddenly a thought struck me. Had Peter McGarrity the Kestrelmeister taken him with him on Holiday to Italy to get blessed by the Pope in the hope that he would scare away more magpies? Or perhaps he was hoping to introduce him to Karen the Kestrel for a quick flutter before we get him neutered?
Sorry Brendan – but I think you lose on this one. Which Backend Bowler when asked to bring down bowls to Roger “The Bike” McCaul for the recent game with Ards, went to the locker, brought the bowls but not the shoes. Do you think Rog carries the aforesaid shoes with him wherever he goes? ‘Fraid not matey!!
Unlucky in Love – Dan Cregan, speak to me Danny Boy before you botch up another of your clichéd chat up lines.
Which bowler – was told on taking his/her test by the examiner to pull over to the side of the road until he went and got his/her instructor as he/she was "a danger to pedestrians and motorists alike"?
And if baseball caps – are banned from the lounge, then why not flat caps?
Who is the better singer? The famous J Lo or our own J Lowe?
Who has the cutest ass? The famous J Lo or our own J Lowe?
I know where my money is going!
Which - female bowler prefers Ginger Nuts?
Which - female bowler has one brandy per year – way to go girl!
It is a feature of Midweek bowling - that some of the lads can be a tad vociferous with shouts of “Bowl!” “Jack!” “Get in there Morton!” Yes I am talking about you Greyhound Joe – you Backend Brendan – you Eamon Logue!!! I am prone to it myself ( apparently as Lead I should say nothing! ). However, it was nice to hear a variation on the theme when playing with the girlies during Mixed Triples. One fair damsel called in her Skip’s bowl with the words “Lie nice now, lie nice!” Tojours la delicatesse Madame!
Which bowler – when I discarded my bowling cloth behind me on the green before I delivered my shot, folded it neatly and put it on the surrounding pathway as he likes to see everything “neat and tidy?” I have some undies and socks that need smoothing Gerry. Any chance!!!????
Who owns – the smallest car in the Club? No silly….smaller than Alan Brown’s
Anyone - like to hazard a guess who will be Lady President in two years time?
Early days - but it’s the time of year to start thinking about the annual In The Ditch Awards. At the moment I have my own nominations some of which include…….
Until the next smooth delivery
Apologies (ii) – to the Midweek Team for suggesting we won the match at Ards - we in fact lost due to a collapse of my rink on the last end. So the whooping and hollering at the victory that never happened was embarrassing to say the least. The “false result” was a combination of several factors but as Captain I accept full responsibilty that the cards were not checked at the end – by both team captains. No one was hurt. Elvis is still the king, Eamon Holmes is still overweight, North Korea did not invade South Korea. I will also accept full responsibilty when my boys win the Midweek Cup and I apologise to them only – not the vultures who snigger on the periphery!! Get it outta your system – that’s why pencils have rubbers, to erase mistakes. We are still the top team in the Club and have been for the past three years.
Apologies (iii) for leading the readers of this column up the garden path and suggesting they turn up to the Deal Or No Deal Club of an afternoon - see an earlier issue. Where they should be is in the Club of a morning when the Village Elders foregather to put the world to right. Traditionally the occasional cold pizza and coffee were served, along with a liberal dose of backbiting and commentary on the 11.00am bowlists. Alas, not for the first time there was no soup. Do these denizens take to the pitch to bowl themselves? Do they eff!!! Not to be missed! Sadly due to increased security they will have to relocate from the main lounge.
I went out for my usual morning roll up ( bowls – not cigarette ) last Tuesday and was astonished that Ken the Kestrel had disappeared. Suddenly a thought struck me. Had Peter McGarrity the Kestrelmeister taken him with him on Holiday to Italy to get blessed by the Pope in the hope that he would scare away more magpies? Or perhaps he was hoping to introduce him to Karen the Kestrel for a quick flutter before we get him neutered?
Sorry Brendan – but I think you lose on this one. Which Backend Bowler when asked to bring down bowls to Roger “The Bike” McCaul for the recent game with Ards, went to the locker, brought the bowls but not the shoes. Do you think Rog carries the aforesaid shoes with him wherever he goes? ‘Fraid not matey!!
Unlucky in Love – Dan Cregan, speak to me Danny Boy before you botch up another of your clichéd chat up lines.
Which bowler – was told on taking his/her test by the examiner to pull over to the side of the road until he went and got his/her instructor as he/she was "a danger to pedestrians and motorists alike"?
And if baseball caps – are banned from the lounge, then why not flat caps?
Who is the better singer? The famous J Lo or our own J Lowe?
Who has the cutest ass? The famous J Lo or our own J Lowe?
I know where my money is going!
Which - female bowler prefers Ginger Nuts?
Which - female bowler has one brandy per year – way to go girl!
It is a feature of Midweek bowling - that some of the lads can be a tad vociferous with shouts of “Bowl!” “Jack!” “Get in there Morton!” Yes I am talking about you Greyhound Joe – you Backend Brendan – you Eamon Logue!!! I am prone to it myself ( apparently as Lead I should say nothing! ). However, it was nice to hear a variation on the theme when playing with the girlies during Mixed Triples. One fair damsel called in her Skip’s bowl with the words “Lie nice now, lie nice!” Tojours la delicatesse Madame!
Which bowler – when I discarded my bowling cloth behind me on the green before I delivered my shot, folded it neatly and put it on the surrounding pathway as he likes to see everything “neat and tidy?” I have some undies and socks that need smoothing Gerry. Any chance!!!????
Who owns – the smallest car in the Club? No silly….smaller than Alan Brown’s
Anyone - like to hazard a guess who will be Lady President in two years time?
Early days - but it’s the time of year to start thinking about the annual In The Ditch Awards. At the moment I have my own nominations some of which include…….
- The Eamon Logue Award for Oiliest Lothario…….
- The Liam Laughran Award for Mildest Mannered Player…….
- The Grabber Grant Award for Stealing a Fellow Player’s Shoes…….
- The Deirdre Walsh Award for the Most Innovative Use of a Man…….
- The Paul McVeigh Award for Coolest Dude…….
Until the next smooth delivery