Issue Thirteen:- The Match That Never Was
Falls BC not only embraces all religions, but actively encourages its members who are of one persuasion to experiment with other cultures. Pictured above is Gerry Maguire who is currently doing active service with LOL 991. Previously his traditional route would have been to fall out the door of the Club, lurch into Raffos for a pastie supper then stagger on home where he would finish the night with a refreshing glass of Buckfast. Now he is proud to wear his new regalia and not a glass of the devil’s vomit passes his lips.
What next I hear you say – Father Eugene joining the Masons or Jim Brankin MA converting to Islam and changing his name to Osama Bin Brankin MA?
Good call lads – attempting to (legally – lest outsiders read this! )bolster the Parks Team by introducing A team players!!?? It might have been a better call to do it the other way around!! J
It was mooted to me that we should get a coach who could show us exercises to keep us lithe and supple during the periods of inactivity on the green. It’s BOWLS for Chrissake – not athletics! I can sit for three hours without moving at the bar and my joints don’t seize up! Having said this, an A Team player (with elasticated waistband ) was seen doing stretching exercises before last Tuesday’s game as if he were gearing up for the Belfast Marathon!
Thanks to one of my regular correspondents for material on Vincent McKenna. It is too sensitive to use here but anyway – “Allez non brave Vincent!” Your secret is safe with me. Similarly, I am unable to use his “heads up” about a certain programme on Channel 4 on Tuesday night. I am happy, however, to use his information that Daniel “Odd Socks Cregan complained there was no dessert at a recent away game. Bet you were happy Danny Boy at last Monday’s Vets game where you got your just desserts in a whopping loss to Divis.
And speaking of Vets (i) , after having dispatched Jim Lowe Esq in the Vets Singles Pat McClean asked me who won. When I told him I did he was unable to hide his incredulity as he said “YOU won ??????” Thanks for your support Pat!! J Another wag asked me was sure it was not Gerry Lowe whom I beat!
And speaking of Vets (ii) I take some, but not all of the responsibility, for arranging a two bowl pairs match that was not even on the cards. Anyway…safe to say that Sean Grant and I put away Eddie McNally and his little friend Gerry Hanna with consummate ease. Told you not to mess with me Eddie Boy! Pity it was all to no avail!! And thanks to Dan Cregan for spreading the word like a forest fire to the big boys of the A Team as they arrived for their match with Mossley!!! And thanks also to all who ribbed me – at least it means you are leaving someone else alone!!
Some of the regular readers of this column are curious to find out the identity of the occasional contributor “Curious”. I am intrigued myself and thought it might be the universal Billy T writing under a pseudonym but I am informed not! Perhaps you could give us a delicious clue “ Curious” so that we can speculate as to who you are?
Too late for last week’s issue: Stephen Smyth apparently has been subbing for the Reverend Eugene McCarthy. Hope it is on the green Stevie boy and not in the confessional. Just because you got a hard time in the box for certain sins as a youth does not mean you have to dish it out to anyone who comes in with similar sins to off load to you.
Sometimes the blog just writes itself:- The Greenmeister appeared out last Wednesday morning wearing a rather fetching bowling cap. He says” It was the only one I could get to fit my big head!” Nuff said.
Which bowler – left the back window of my car fractionally open so that when I threw a bucket of water over it as a prelude to a hand wash, resulted in the interior also getting a wash.
Which bowler - had the whole of his team mates looking for his car keys when they were in fact on his bowling key ring and stuck in the lock of his locker.
Which bowler – looked at one of the in house competition draws and said, “That should be no bother”, then was taken out by the roots!
Which bowler – didn’t have time to eat his normal dinner before last Thursday’s Junior Cup match at Ballymena and came over all queer on the green. His opposite playing partner graciously rushed to the clubhouse and brought him out a selection of sarnies whereupon he complained that the bread was white!!! Right again, it was the aforementioned Danny Boy Cregan
Normally towards the end of a game, the smell of food wafts across the green. Not in the case of a recent away match where the bowlists on rink one were nearly as high as the jack bowl with the strange odour coming from the terraces!!! Respect Man!
With the continued less than good performance of the A team, the Committee decided to employ the services of a motivator. Peter McGarrity was a tad amused when a rotivator was delivered three days later!!
I have come up with a stunning plan – when you lose a match, just go home and tell your other half that you won! Who does it hurt? My father used to think I played for the school football team and I told him stunning tales of bravery in goals when in fact I was sub for the chess team!
The exciting adventures of Vince McKenna and his passengers en route to an away game is held over until the next issue as is an update on Franko’s dog.
People – have passed me stuff that should be in the Newsletter – eg bowlers returning from retirement to take to the pitch for the first time in fourteen years. Stuff like that is quality and should be marked in the proper place. Remember that this column is the equivalent of the National Enquirer and bats at a level just above litigious!! And remember to those readers who occasionally dip in and are a tad miffed… ” If you can’t stand the heat………….don’t go to Majorca!”
Just made the cut....did you know that Michael McCarney has orthopaedic balls?
Until the next smooth delivery…….
What next I hear you say – Father Eugene joining the Masons or Jim Brankin MA converting to Islam and changing his name to Osama Bin Brankin MA?
Good call lads – attempting to (legally – lest outsiders read this! )bolster the Parks Team by introducing A team players!!?? It might have been a better call to do it the other way around!! J
It was mooted to me that we should get a coach who could show us exercises to keep us lithe and supple during the periods of inactivity on the green. It’s BOWLS for Chrissake – not athletics! I can sit for three hours without moving at the bar and my joints don’t seize up! Having said this, an A Team player (with elasticated waistband ) was seen doing stretching exercises before last Tuesday’s game as if he were gearing up for the Belfast Marathon!
Thanks to one of my regular correspondents for material on Vincent McKenna. It is too sensitive to use here but anyway – “Allez non brave Vincent!” Your secret is safe with me. Similarly, I am unable to use his “heads up” about a certain programme on Channel 4 on Tuesday night. I am happy, however, to use his information that Daniel “Odd Socks Cregan complained there was no dessert at a recent away game. Bet you were happy Danny Boy at last Monday’s Vets game where you got your just desserts in a whopping loss to Divis.
And speaking of Vets (i) , after having dispatched Jim Lowe Esq in the Vets Singles Pat McClean asked me who won. When I told him I did he was unable to hide his incredulity as he said “YOU won ??????” Thanks for your support Pat!! J Another wag asked me was sure it was not Gerry Lowe whom I beat!
And speaking of Vets (ii) I take some, but not all of the responsibility, for arranging a two bowl pairs match that was not even on the cards. Anyway…safe to say that Sean Grant and I put away Eddie McNally and his little friend Gerry Hanna with consummate ease. Told you not to mess with me Eddie Boy! Pity it was all to no avail!! And thanks to Dan Cregan for spreading the word like a forest fire to the big boys of the A Team as they arrived for their match with Mossley!!! And thanks also to all who ribbed me – at least it means you are leaving someone else alone!!
Some of the regular readers of this column are curious to find out the identity of the occasional contributor “Curious”. I am intrigued myself and thought it might be the universal Billy T writing under a pseudonym but I am informed not! Perhaps you could give us a delicious clue “ Curious” so that we can speculate as to who you are?
Too late for last week’s issue: Stephen Smyth apparently has been subbing for the Reverend Eugene McCarthy. Hope it is on the green Stevie boy and not in the confessional. Just because you got a hard time in the box for certain sins as a youth does not mean you have to dish it out to anyone who comes in with similar sins to off load to you.
Sometimes the blog just writes itself:- The Greenmeister appeared out last Wednesday morning wearing a rather fetching bowling cap. He says” It was the only one I could get to fit my big head!” Nuff said.
Which bowler – left the back window of my car fractionally open so that when I threw a bucket of water over it as a prelude to a hand wash, resulted in the interior also getting a wash.
Which bowler - had the whole of his team mates looking for his car keys when they were in fact on his bowling key ring and stuck in the lock of his locker.
Which bowler – looked at one of the in house competition draws and said, “That should be no bother”, then was taken out by the roots!
Which bowler – didn’t have time to eat his normal dinner before last Thursday’s Junior Cup match at Ballymena and came over all queer on the green. His opposite playing partner graciously rushed to the clubhouse and brought him out a selection of sarnies whereupon he complained that the bread was white!!! Right again, it was the aforementioned Danny Boy Cregan
Normally towards the end of a game, the smell of food wafts across the green. Not in the case of a recent away match where the bowlists on rink one were nearly as high as the jack bowl with the strange odour coming from the terraces!!! Respect Man!
With the continued less than good performance of the A team, the Committee decided to employ the services of a motivator. Peter McGarrity was a tad amused when a rotivator was delivered three days later!!
I have come up with a stunning plan – when you lose a match, just go home and tell your other half that you won! Who does it hurt? My father used to think I played for the school football team and I told him stunning tales of bravery in goals when in fact I was sub for the chess team!
The exciting adventures of Vince McKenna and his passengers en route to an away game is held over until the next issue as is an update on Franko’s dog.
People – have passed me stuff that should be in the Newsletter – eg bowlers returning from retirement to take to the pitch for the first time in fourteen years. Stuff like that is quality and should be marked in the proper place. Remember that this column is the equivalent of the National Enquirer and bats at a level just above litigious!! And remember to those readers who occasionally dip in and are a tad miffed… ” If you can’t stand the heat………….don’t go to Majorca!”
Just made the cut....did you know that Michael McCarney has orthopaedic balls?
Until the next smooth delivery…….